


the bitter taste of agony

by Bekka911



Series: purple syrup and stars that shine [4]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Allura is lowkey kind of a bitch, Angst, Clone Shiro is a dick, Hurt Lance (Voltron), Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Sad, Soft Keith (Voltron), clone shiro - Freeform, it's really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:20:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24263506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bekka911/pseuds/Bekka911
Summary: space is not merciful to the kind-hearted. space is cold, and it expects you to become cold as well, because that is what countless others have done and now the art of gentleness and peace has long since faded into the fabric of war. it makes exceptions for nobody, not even the children that emerged as heroes.space is not kind to those who are kind in return. space is bitter and hurting and blood-stained and coldly beautiful and it turns it’s back on those who reach out for it with hope in their hearts and stars in their veins.ORBlue knows that something is changing in her Paladin. He is souring and thinning and becoming something other.She feels it through him - the ground is hard under his feet and the air is thin and his heart beats too quickly and his bones sit awkwardly and he isn’t right. His thoughts are scrambled, his chest is hollow. He talks to her, and she lets him, but she knows that it’s a countdown until something goes horribly, horribly wrong.She can do nothing but watch.
Relationships: Keith & Lance (Voltron), Lance & Blue Lion (Voltron)
Series: purple syrup and stars that shine [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1573699
Comments: 12
Kudos: 175





	the bitter taste of agony

**Author's Note:**

> have another one. this one's been in the works for ages, and I think it might be the last of the voltron series I have going.  
> Leave your thoughts in the comments!

“Hey Baby Blue.” Lance’s touch is gentle as he ghosts his hands over her controls and her console, eventually settling into the pilot’s chair. Blue rumbles in greeting, because she loves Lance more than anything, and if something were to happen to him she would destroy everything in her way until she got him back. “How are you today?”

_‘My Paladin,’_ she sends through the bond, and she allows herself to nuzzle at Lance’s quintessence, his _spirit_ and _soul_ , because he seems quiet today and oh, how she loves him so. _‘What troubles you?’_

Because he _is_ troubled, and that worries her. It seems that more and more often he is coming to her in some form of emotional pain. His thoughts grow distant when he sits with her, and she is starting to feel the strain of connecting with him. 

_He is pulling away from me,_ she realises sadly as Lance closes his eyes and takes a few measured breaths. _I am losing him._

“Shiro yelled again today,” Lance says finally, and his voice is tired and heavy. Echoes of insecurity ring in his head. Blue makes a low noise. “I know, I know, but this time I didn’t do anything wrong. I just wanted to clarify something, you know? I just wanted him to stop and _think_ about what he was planning, and he-” Lance cuts off with a choked sigh and curls himself into a little ball. His ocean eyes are stormy and pained. When he starts speaking again, his voice is small and thin. “I didn’t do anything _wrong_ this time.”

Ah, Black’s Paladin. Blue doesn’t much like him anymore, not since they fought the Bad One and the Black Paladin vanished from the cockpit. He’d smelled of wild flowers before that, had radiated _calm_ and _strength_ and _peace_ and _care_.

Now, he just radiates something hollow and sour. 

“I mean, I get it,” Lance continues lowly, brushing a hand through his hair and resting his head against the back of the chair. “I don’t think before I speak a lot of the time. I _know_ that. But that doesn’t mean I’m stupid. I’m not stupid.”

Blue hums in agreement. _‘My Paladin is a smart Paladin,’_ she tells him, and though his lips twitch upward, she knows that he doesn’t believe her. _‘Black’s Paladin has rotted inside. He reeks of conflict and pain and magic. I do not trust him, and I do not like him.’_

Lance huffs. “Yeah, girl, I know. But Shiro’s been through a lot, you know? He’s been held captive by the Galra numerous times. It’s gotta be tough on the guy. He’s allowed his off days. I just wish…” He drops his chin to rest on his knees. “I just wished he _saw_ me, you know? I’m not stupid, and I’m not just some goofball with no substance. I’m part of this team, and I have contributions. I want him to _see_ me, and he doesn’t! None of them do!”

Blue doesn’t really know what to do as Lance gets more and more worked up. She feels conflicted, because at least Lance is letting himself _feel_ , but on the other hand he’s _hurting_. She wants to protect him, but she can’t protect him from himself and the other Lions refuse to acknowledge the situation because Lance is not _their_ Paladin.

“I left my family on Earth,” Lance says hopelessly, and tears bubble in his eyes. “I left them all there, and I didn’t tell them where I was going, and I thought I could have another family in space, you know? But they don’t want me. None of them want me. _Space_ doesn’t want me. I have nothing left, Blue.”

_‘You have me.’_

“You shut me out once before. Turned me away without telling me _why_. You gave me up for _Allura_.” Lance doesn’t sound accusatory, just tired, but Blue recoils anyway. 

Because she _had_. Red had needed a new Paladin, and Lance had been the only option and Blue had given him up without a second thought. She’d taken in the Princess who barked orders without respect, who didn’t know how to ask for help, whose desperation to be a Paladin drowned out everything that said she wasn’t meant to be one. Blue had let her in, and she had shut Lance out, and she hadn’t let herself think about how much that had hurt her blue boy. 

She’d trusted Red, and Red hadn’t let her down, but Red’s Paladin had.

_‘I cannot convey the guilt I feel,’_ Blue rumbles to Lance. _‘It wasn’t fair of me to turn you away without warning. I thought you would feel better if you were in the Red Lion. Instead, I just made you feel like less of a Paladin.’_

Lance scrubs at his face, and tumultuous emotions slam through the bond like lightning as his control slips. Blue doesn’t have time to sort through them all before Lance is pulling them all back again. “I don’t blame you,” he says with a sad smile. “My gorgeous Baby Blue. You were doing what you thought was right. If I yelled at you for it, I’d be just as bad as Shiro.”

That doesn’t make Blue feel any better, but then Lance is bidding her goodbye and climbing out of the cockpit, emotions locked away once more and tears dried.

She hadn’t even realised he’d been crying.

.

And then Lance dies.

Blue feels the connection snap milliseconds after Lance stops screaming, and she’s already hurtling towards Red before Allura has any idea what’s happening. Blue stretches out to her old Paladin, scrambling to find and sort of thread that will bring him back, that will keep him here, tethered to a world that does not care for him because there are people who need him to stay.

She only finds quiet and void and hollow, no Lance, and her sorrow is strong enough that Red actually shudders. _‘He is gone!’_ Blue wails, and Red whines back at her, and then Allura is climbing out of the cockpit. 

“Lance!” The Princess calls, soaring through space until she can enter Red. “Lance! _Lance_!”

Seconds later and Allura’s grief is tangible through the weak bond between her and Blue. Hunk is shouting over the comms. Blue mutes everything except the connection to Red, because her _Paladin_ is in there, her _Lance_ is _dead_ and Blue _needs him back she needs him she’s sorry she’s sorry sorry sorry sorrysorrysorry-_

There’s a surge of quintessence, and then the bond flickers back to life. Blue reaches out, too forceful and eager and sharp, and spears into Lance’s mind. The Paladin shoves her out again. Blue just tries and tries and tries, until she softens enough that Lance lets her in and then Blue wraps her energy around Lance’s and holds on and doesn’t let go.

She insists that Allura flies home in Red; both the Princess and the Lion protest, but Blue had come too close to losing the last thing she cares for, so she doesn’t back down. Lance, weak and unsteady and oh so _alive_ , sits in Blue’s cockpit, worryingly silent and aloof.

_‘Are you okay?’_ Blue asks very quietly.

Lance doesn’t answer for a while, but the sense of fear doubles and spreads along the bond. He is afraid - of death, of leaving, of nobody caring, of being left behind, of not being enough, of being in the _cold dark place_. Lance is afraid and tired and sad and he is not relieved that he came back.

“Keith would have been able to complete the mission without screwing up,” he eventually mutters, staring at the vast eternity of space as Blue pilots them back home. “I don’t know why I keep failing like this.”

_‘Fail?’_ Blue repeats. _‘My Paladin, you saved the Princess. The mission was completed. You ruined nothing.’_

Lance hums, disbelieving, before returning his attention to the silence that surrounds him and he says nothing else for the rest of the journey.

.

Blue doesn’t know that Lance doesn’t tell the others what happened.

.

There isn’t much Lance can hide from her. He tries to hide a lot of things - his emotions, his thoughts, his wellbeing - but Blue always finds out. Sometimes it’s hard, and she has to have patience because Lance never seems to like telling people how he _really_ is.

But Blue can always figure it out. He is her Paladin. She is his Lion. They have a bond that cannot easily be broken. 

“Hey Baby Blue,” Lance greets, like usual, but it’s lackluster and flat. Blue rumbles warmly, lets him in, lets him talk. “I, uh, I just need some time to myself, you know? I can’t breathe with everyone there yelling at each other. Some people are really scary when they’re angry. Especially when they have glowing robot arms and they’ve never cared about you and tell you you’re worthless.”

Blue can’t help it. _‘The Black Paladin,’_ she growls, low and long and angry.

Lance doesn’t even look alarmed anymore. He just looks resigned as he makes himself as small as possible. “Yeah,” he whispers. He draws his arms close to his body and tries to cover his face. “I wish it isn’t him. I wish - god it’s horrible that I’m thinking this - I _wish_ that he’s being mind-controlled or something.” He wilts and his voice gets thick. “I wish that it isn't him. I don’t want it to be _him_ that yells at me for not being like Keith.”

_‘You are Lance.’_

“They want me to be _Keith_.” Lance laughs bitterly, and it morphs into a distressed sob. “I’m not like Keith. I could never hope to be like Keith. I’m just Lance, yeah? I’ve got no ‘thing’. Just a placeholder until Keith comes back, and then I’ll be pushed to the curb.”

Blue won’t let that happen. She _won’t_. She’s already made her mistake once, and she won’t make it again. Lance is _hers_. He has always and will always be _hers_ , and if the others shove Allura at her, then Blue will fly far away with Lance and she won’t ever let them come near her again. She will tear apart Voltron for the sake of this sweet, hurting boy who cries to her because nobody else will listen.

She shoves all of this and more down the bond, forcing it through Lance’s mental barrier, because she needs him to _understand_. He needs to know that she won’t shut him out again. When the Red Paladin comes back, Lance will become hers once more and Allura will deal with it or there will be _no_ Blue Paladin.

Lance sniffs and wipes at his eyes, chuckling quietly. He lays a hand on the consoles lovingly, warmly, and he lets her all the way in for the first time. 

“Please,” he breathes, voice shaky with tears. “Please, I just need you to take me away for a little while.”

.

Blue doesn’t take him back to the Castle of Lions until Red contacts her. The team is in a frenzy trying to find her and her Paladin. Blue almost doesn’t go back because they have hurt her Paladin and that means that they have hurt _her_ , and that won’t stand.

Red insists that they are frantic, and that she can’t simply steal away a Paladin. Blue argues that she very much can. But she knows that she has to go back or Lance will simply not forgive her. 

She reaches out to his conscience, but he doesn’t respond.

He is asleep, wrapped in a blanket. 

Blue makes sure to fly back as slowly as she can.

.

Several things happen in rapid succession after that. The Red Paladin returns with his mother, the Galra Prince betrays them, the Black Paladin goes rogue and something in Lance splinters with a crack that’s so loud Blue audibly reacts.

She yowls, long and loud, because the bond between her and her Paladin is fracturing, _Lance_ is fracturing, something is _wrong_ , she needs _Lance._ Instantly, the other Lions are alert and making noise and asking questions. 

Blue ignores them all.

_‘Paladin!’_ She cries through their weakening bond. Lance’s thoughts twitch, but that’s it and Blue can only wallow in horror at the whirlpool of keening emotions that are swirling through Lance right now. The bottle that he has so carefully kept all of his hurt tucked away in has shattered completely. Blue can only watch and count the seconds until Lance falls apart completely and it’s too late for the team to fix what they broke.

“Why do you care about how I’m feeling _now_?” Lance asks hotly, wrapping his arms around his torso. He clearly doesn’t trust himself not to start throwing punches. He certainly feels angry enough. “What happened to _‘mission comes first, Lance’_ and _‘we don’t have time for this, Lance’_ , or my personal favourite, _‘this isn’t about you, Lance, just get to your lion’_?”

Shiro, the _real_ Shiro, holds his hands up and his expression is cautious. He’s treating Lance like the Paladin is some sort of panicked animal who just needs to be coddled back to calm and then he’ll be fine. Blue feels indignant on Lance’s behalf.

“Lance,” Shiro says carefully. “Calm down, and talk it out with us, okay? We just need you to calm down.”

“I’m not hysterical!” Lance shoots back, but his voice cracks slightly, betraying his inner turmoil. “Stop treating me like I’m some crazed, unstable _thing_!”

Hunk steps forward, and goes to lay a hand on Lance’s shoulder. Lance flinches away though, eyes wide and frightened and angry. “Hey, hey,” Hunk soothes. “Lance buddy, it’s okay. What’s happening, hm? Why’re you so upset?”

“I don’t know Hunk,” Lance spits, “Maybe because you all suddenly decided that you cared about my thoughts and feelings? You literally just told me to sit out on the next mission because I ‘seem tired’.”

Shiro lets out a breath. “Lance-”

“I mean-” Lance talks right over the top of the Black Paladin, his hurt spilling out. “-I understand that I’m just a placeholder, and now that Keith is back I’ll be put on the sidelines, but my feelings on that have never mattered before. Why are you making such a big deal of them _now_?”

Shiro takes another step forward, mouth pinched as he doesn’t answer. Lance takes another one back, but then suddenly Keith is behind him and Lance’s panic skyrockets. Blue tries, she swears that she _tries_ , but Lance blocks her and she’s left in the backseat to watch her Paladin give up on trying to be okay.

Keith gently, oh so gently, touches the back of Lance’s shoulder. “Listen,” he says, but Lance shakes his head and tries to pull away. Keith grabs on and doesn’t let go. His voice gets firmer. “ _Listen_. You’ve been struggling lately, don’t think we haven’t noticed. The whole Shiro-Clone situation hit you hard. We’re just trying to look out for you.”

Lance yanks himself away. “You’re trying to replace me,” he says, like he knows that it’s true, like he can’t ever be told differently and believe it. Blue aches for him. “You’re trying to gently let me down, because the almighty Keith is back to take back his lion, and oh no, poor Lance has to go without.”

“That’s _not_ what’s happening,” Keith says coolly. 

Lance laughs, and it’s bitter and wild and unstable. Keith recoils. “That’s _exactly_ what’s happening! You’re just pretending to care so that you can ease your guilt about sending me away!”

“We aren’t sending you away,” Hunk says pleadingly. “Lance, you’re exhausted, and you’re obviously in pain. We just want you to be okay.”

Lance chokes on the hot feelings of betrayal and hurt that flourish in his chest. Blue whines. She can feel everything through him - from the cold taste of starlight to the burning sense of _forgotten_ that scorches his stomach. His knees hurt, and he doesn’t want to be standing, and he feels trapped, and Blue can do _nothing_.

So Lance does it for her.

“I’m sorry,” he says, voice suddenly flat and dull. Shiro lets out a heavy breath. Lance continues, “You’re right. I’m tired. I didn’t mean what I said, and I don’t blame you for anything, okay? I’m just tired. I’m just being Lance. It’s okay. I’m going to go lay down, you guys get ready for your mission, alright?”

Somehow, this is worse. 

The other Paladins hover, because this is Lance, and they care about him, but Lance makes the decision for them. He turns his back and he walks away - his steps are uneven and his breathing is unsteady and he isn’t ready to grow up yet. He isn’t ready for the cruelty of space. 

_‘Lance,’_ Blue calls gently, and she does not call him Paladin, and maybe that’s why he lets her in this time. _‘Where do you want me to take you?’_

“Nowhere, Blue,” he sighs out loud. “ _Allura_ is your Paladin, not me. _You’re_ going on a mission, not me. _You’re_ important, not me. I’m just tired.”

He is. Blue can feel the weight to his body, the weight in his head. He is the type of exhausted that makes it impossible to get up in the mornings. She can’t do anything to wash that tiredness away so she just sends him waves of love and affection and worry.

He shuts her out again only a few minutes later. This time, she can taste the feeling of _‘I don’t deserve this.’_

.

She does not let Allura in this time.

Lance does not leave his room.

They complete the mission without Voltron.

.

“Hey Blue.” It’s not Lance who comes knocking this time, and Blue is only partly surprised to see Red’s Paladin in front of her, frowning down at the ground. Keith raises his eyes to stare at her. “I know that I’m not your Paladin, but I need...I need to speak to you. I need _you_ to speak to _me_. About Lance.”

Blue’s barrier falls. How could it not? 

Keith climbs inside with the hesitant grace of a leader, and his touch is light as he gently trails his hands over Blue’s controls. He feels curious, and a little in awe. He feels like _Lance_ , and Blue doesn’t know how she’s going to let this small boy go back out there, back to fighting and death and misery.

_‘Red’s Paladin,’_ she muses, and Keith doesn’t startle. _‘What is it you want to know about my boy blue?’_

Keith settles into the pilot’s chair. He almost fits in it. Blue doesn’t know what it means that Lance and Keith are so easily interchangeable - at home in both Red and Blue. 

She doesn’t know what it _means_.

“I need to know what Lance isn’t telling us,” he says heavily. He sounds older than he has any right to, and Blue lets herself gently tug at his quintessence. He is tired, like Lance, and he aches with the need to feel at home. This boy does not miss the Earth like Lance does, but he misses _something_ , and that’s good enough for Blue.

So she opens her spirit to him, and she lets him _see_.

.

Lance shuts her out for so long that she can feel herself start to slip. Allura comes and goes intermittently, always staring with her pleading gemstone eyes. _‘This was my father’s purpose for me,’_ she says, as if it gives her the right to be a Paladin, as if her title and her name can rewrite what is already tattooed on her soul. Blue does not lower her barrier.

She does not react to Allura until Allura enters, dragging Lance by the wrist. Blue’s Paladin looks confused, but his cheeks are full and his eyes are bright. Blue can almost taste Red’s Paladin on Lance’s skin, can feel traces of the half-Galran boy through the humming bond between her and her Paladin.

Allura stops at the barrier, dragging Lance right up beside her. Her face is stormy and desperate, and Blue rumbles lowly in warning. She does not drop her barrier.

“Fix her!” Allura demands, and Lance just blinks up at his Lion. Allura shakes him. “Release her from your bond! Get her to lower her barrier!”

Understanding twists Lance’s lips, and he gives Allura the softest look. “Allura,” he says gently, putting hands on her shoulders. “I can’t choose Blue’s Paladin for her. She’s made up her mind. That’s not something I can change.”

Allura shakes her head. “There must be _something_!” She cries. “It’s not _fair_! It’s my _birthright_ to be a Paladin, but no Lion will _accept_ me!”

Lance, for once, has no words, and Blue can only watch as he holds the Princess of a dead nation until she stops crying. It takes time for Allura’s sniffles to ease, for her to stop shaking, to raise her head. Lance holds her through it all, staring up at Blue with defeated eyes. He opens the link between them, and Blue can feel it roar to life. 

“ _I am with you_ ,” Lance thinks at her, “ _but at what cost_?”

Blue doesn’t answer him but she can’t bring herself to feel guilty about shutting Allura out. Lance is her Paladin. Lance will _always_ be her Paladin until the day he begins again as stardust. She uses her quintessence to bind her own spirit around Lance’s, so tightly that to pry it away would destroy the entire bond. It’s impossible.

Lance’s mouth thins, and his shoulders droop. He has just been bound to destiny. Something in him does not want it.

Blue cannot find it in herself to _care_.

Lance is _hers_.

Allura has regained her composure, standing up straight and wiping at her face. “I apologize,” she says softly.

Lance shakes his head, gaze heavy. “You got a taste of what’s out there,” he says. “It’s only natural to want more.” It feels like he’s talking about something _more_ , even though his words are easy and his eye blue eyes are bright. Blue knows her Paladin. She knows that he longs for something - and she can’t give it to him.

Blue stands tall and she holds onto Lance, and Allura turns and hurries away with sapphire tears sliding down her cheeks.


End file.
